Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Randomize