dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
