i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Randomize
