Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
What is the acceptable way to offer a trade of sex for a few hours of body heat?
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
because nothing says “let’s fucking rage” like getting a compensation letter and some company stock
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