He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just threw the poptarts. Sgits boutta go Down. 1 liter of wine
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
