My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
Yeah man, you were grinding with his wife, I wouldn't be worried about it
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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