mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
this is the fifth day in a row i've woken up after 3 pm, hungover. I might die when snowmageddon is finally over and we have to go back to class. my liver wont know how to take it.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
He asked if we were going to take advantage of his drunken state. When we said no he tired to show us what we were missing out on. It was so sad it almost made him cute.
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