Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
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