I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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