dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
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