Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
