Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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