So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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