I want you more than these girls want KFC
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
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