I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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