just do him I won't tell jon
um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
