She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
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