Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Well I've always wanted to get head while playing WoW...
K I'll do it, but mine is going to be WAY weirder. Your not allergic to shellfish, right?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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