Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
Randomize
