We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Apparently one comment in my womens studies class cockblocks yourself for an entire semester.
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Cats are difficult to handle. Also they are impossible to baptize.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
