remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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