Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
