I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
you made the house rule that every time you'd say "yay" everyone had to drink.
that explains so much
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
Randomize
