I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
