she looked like the before picture.
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Three Architectural classes: $990.00 Architectural supplies: $300.00 Changing majors and using my architectural supplies to roll blunts: Priceless
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
I walked in the kitchen and heard her saying "We could have been so good together" as she caressed an egg with her cheek.
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
