the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
