the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
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