Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
