Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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