I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
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