weak ass sauce last night. waste of time. you suck. ps. your boobs are fake
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
She's the barista slut.
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
