i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
You're earring is so big in my mouth
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
No one knows who he is but he hasn't missed a shot in beer pong yet. He's dressed as lance armstrong and is tearing shit up.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Like if it it's practical for your sexual health I'm allergic to it AKA REGULAR CONDOMS
Just tried to do a line with a snorkel I cut off... that is how my Aruba trip is going!
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Randomize
