when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
She called to tell me she just hooked up with my crush...and that he talked about me...not sure if I should be pissed or excited?
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
Randomize
