it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
she pointed to my dick and said you are going to save the world
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
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