I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
