I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
the line at the liquor store is out the door, and students in line are high-fiving like crazy...i love college snow days
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize