i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
