someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
Randomize
