Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
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