I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
Everything was yummy and fruit flavored and five alive and happymeas.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
First day back to class and I have already pulled out the hard liquor
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
