im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
