That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You're about to fuck a guy with a sweatshirt tied around his waist like a mensurating 13 year old. Get your priorities straight, you're graduating tomorrow.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
Randomize
