I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Not only is he funny, he had a REALLY big dick
He's old enough to be your father!
REALLY. BIG. DICK.
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