I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
