I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
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