so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
Randomize
