this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Randomize
