im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
