I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
