i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
