Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Randomize
