Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize