: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
So I got my junk pierced since we've fucked. You should get in on this.
Ok, in complete transparency, I am eating a cookie on my bed naked while reading a Halo novel.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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