please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
don't judge my taste in strippers
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
Randomize
