The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
