Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
IS NO AN EMOTION BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT I'M FEELING RIGHT NOW
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
