Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
If you find my purse on your yacht please call me - girl you slept with after yacht party
I just want nice things and good sex
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
