Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
Randomize
