How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
THIS IS A FLATMATE WARNING! The white powder next to sink is washing powder I spilled and is not meant for human comsumption. I repeat- do not digest, snort or smoke the white powder next to the sink!!!!
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
