I told him it tasted like his mom..needless to say we were asked to leave.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
