Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
