The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
definitely not taking the whole return culture shock so well...drinking a 100 proof rootbeer vodka float out of a german beer mass
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
whose parrot is this?
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
Randomize
