I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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