pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
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