I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
I can't tell if they're having sex or watching the beach scene from Saving Private Ryan. All I know is I hear explosions and men screaming and crying
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You can't just leave with hair like that
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
