At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
