Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
