he used the word "rubber" i just couldn't do it after that.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
We still on for coffee?
Cream and sugar. Deliver to planned parenthood in 45.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
