If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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