the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
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