i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
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