she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Randomize
